Thursday, May 31, 2012

Painter and Fucking Decorator Blues

OK - this has been going on since fucking March and I'm sick of it now!! 

My landlord engaged a painter and decorator to do the hall and stairs of the house i live in and cos he works 9 to 5 he's fine with the house being invaded between 10 and 3 ever fucking day.

The guy has taken several weeks off during this period but i have no idea whether he's coming or not so i can't plan the tasks i normally do in the morning such as cooking lunch, laundry, sorting out my room, baths, etc just becasue i don't know that when i start at 9am i will still be able to complete it when the P&D comes in sometime between 9.30 and 10.00. 

I sometimes have to go out without a coffee cos he's set his paste table up in the tiny kitchen. Sometimes I can't get my lunch out of the fridge. I've stopped being able to have porridge for breakfast so my weight has started to go up again. I have a pile of dishes in the sink I can't complete!! I have a pile of recycling I can't deal with cos it's blocked in the kitchen. I feel all ikky and sticky before leaving home because I can't shower or have a bath in the mornings. This has been going on for fucking months!!!!

I can't even work from home cos of his fucking noise - or take a day off which is badly needed!!!!

worst of all its an invasion of my fucking space. It's the time I've taken out to be by myself and to be me and it's fucking gone and everything is a fucking mess. Help me!!!!

There's no sign that he's nearly done either - I have a day off tomorrow to get the backlogged jobs done but if he's here I'm just going to go out on my fucking bike!!!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

To the motorist who demanded I say thankyou on Saturday

You stopped when I was standing waiting for a gap in the traffic where for three years I have struggled to cross the road. Where a car park and a rat run route all feed in to the main road and where there is usually a pretty solid and relentless flow of traffic. In the past I have dashed across in a gap only to have drivers actually speed up,  to all intents and purposes, try to run me over. I have received threats fro just trying to get across the road where, incidentally,  there is no available crossing.
You stopped to let me cross when I was not expecting anyone to stop because in three years noone has ever stopped to let ne cross.
I was looking the other way because as the flow was relentless in both directions I needed a gap on the other direction too before I could cross. You stopped. I wasn't looking. You got angry and beeped and frightened the shit out of me.
So I crossed. I probably wouldn't have crossed right then if you hadn't harrassed me into crossing right then.
As I crossed you shouted "a thankyou would be nice".
Ok heres your fucking thankyou!

Thankyou for the pollution that has so penetrated my lungs that for the long periods I haven't been able to ride a bike or stop coughing for nearly two years.

Thankyou for the constant noise which, even inside my house, causes me a high level of stress.

Thanks for me being run over several times with complete disinterest from police while the drivers leave the scene without even asking me if I'm ok.

Thanks for the abuse I get while trying to ride my bike anywhere.

Thanks for all the hours I've spent waiting to cross roads, the times drivers have driven at me to "teach me" about where peds and cyclists fit on the road user food chain.

Thanks for the hours my bus has been held up.

Thanks for the tax I've paid to supplement your right to drive.

Thanks! Really fucking thanks. I'm so fucking grateful that you've seen fit to stop to let me cross my own fucking road so I cam get to the railway station. And with such fucking grace as well! I thought you were going to get out and hit me at one point! Ever heard of doing something good for the sake of doing it? Ever thought that doing something good might be reward in its self? do you really need the people around you to express sincere gratitude for the most minor of positive acts? How many motorists do you think say thanks when a cyclist or a pedestrian stops to give way? Most people deny cyclists ever give way and then rant about red lights and pavements! So - not many - in case you're interested.

Hope that's the thankyou you were expecting?

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Laughing Noam Tweeting policy

I've joked about having a twitter policy - so now's the time to take the joke to the next stage - actual policy in actual words. I may well be only half joking though:

tweeting policy

1. I follow back except the special categories detailed below:
exceptions include bots, spammers, marketing tweeters, jesus tweeters, Lib dems, Tories, extremely boring tweeters, libertarians, people who tweet about cupcakes, amusing satirical or kooky feline tweeters...

2. I do not engage in hostile disussion (or arguments), i have enough of that on the Guardian's CiF. Twitter is for friendly and civilised discussion and that doesn't mean complete agreement either. Disagreement is fine. But uncivilised isn't.

3. A person who is in breach of 2. either for trolling, or for obviously aggressive disagreement, refusal to listen to a logical argument, setting up straw men or deliberate misinterpretation or cherry picking from my posts, arguing in league with a bunch of their "buddies", ad hominem attacks on me, anti-science, anti-logic, anti-reason, laughing at any of my Aspie traits, laughing at any of my non-aspie traits, taking the piss because of my age, etc will be given an intitial warning to back off, apologise, or conform to the rules of civilised discourse (as defined above). No second warning need be issued. Further non-conformance to the reasonable discourse or not responding within a reasonable time (defined by me) and a block will then be applied.

4. Every Tweeter may be given one chance to see reason or respond to logic before I can then resort to calling them names. Their failure to respond to reason can then be used as evidence when calling them an idiot, moron, fuckspud, etc.

5. people who refuse to respond through 2. and 3. may be liable to spamming depending on how drunk i am at the time.

6. People taking issue with my Tweet content can be offered the chance to unfollow. If they don't even follow me then they will be told to FUCK OFF, and possibly blocked. Though they may well be encouraged to block me first though i will curse their name and spam them for it!!!!

7. Blocking: most offenders can be expected to be blocked for a month then unblocked. Though a repeat offense will result in a permanent block immediately. Jesus Tweeters may also be blocked indefinitely.
In certain cases particularly troublesome tweeters may be blocked for longer though their unblocking will be regularly reviewed.

8. Unfollowers will be sarcastically treated to a "bye bye" tweet possibly with "missing you already" added at the end. This is their final chance to refollow and I will follow back. If unfollower responds with strong protest then negotiations can be entered into. If protest consists of swear words and ad hominem attacks then unfollower may be blocked.

9. I endeavour to review my new followers at least once a week. Obvious Jesus Tweeters will be blocked immediately with no warning given. Any Tweeps not falling into the excepted categories detailed in clause 1) will be followed back.

10. I may action a validation request DM to prove I'm real, but don't rely on it!!!!!

11. I retweet stuff I find amusing, interesting, informative. Don't try to tell me what i can RT because i will block you!!

12. I mostly follow Tweeps likely to follow me back. If I follow you it's probably because you use one of my key words (to be listed later). Although it might be because you were #FFd by one of my follows.
If you don't follow me back I will unfollow you and put you on one of my lists (if you're lucky)!

13. I rarely #FF. It's too bothersome! However, I do RT a lot so Tweeps who want to can follow those I RT! I will tend to #FF those who I feel write better Tweets thans me and yet have fewer followers.

14. I swear a lot. It's not childish. It doesn't make me stupid or infantile, I am merely celebrating the English Language.

15. I will not RT sexist or racist jokes or anything anti disabled or anything that can be construed as against vulnerable people, or minorities; or anything that may be unfair, untrue or offensive to people who aren't the dipshits that I consider my enemies.

16. Do not expect me to ignore your bullshit or tweet bullshit just so I do not offend or annoy you. I do not sit back and tolerate bullshit!

17. On special occasions I will ceremonially release Tweeps from my blockage. If you are being unblocked, I will inform you of this fact and you will be given an opportunity to behave like a reasonable person and stay the fuck away from me. If you continue to bother me with your crap I will block you permanently!