Sunday, November 24, 2013

I have a mission!

I've been tasked by the head of our LGBT group to have a think about, do some research and come up with a set of recommendations firstly for the LGBT group so the LGBT group can properly represent trans people, most of whom are not out, or possibly even sure that they are trans, and secondly, for the company, so that trans people feel safe in their jobs, feel empowered, and are able to be themselves at the work the moment they come to a realisation that they are not the gender they were assigned at birth. 

Any ideas, peeps? some of you may have been through bad experiences at work and therefore have a wish list.. or some of you haven't come out at work yet.. why not? I've got a few ideas already, though my company, by and large, is not too bad or I would never have come out in the first place. but there's always room for improvement and I'd like my company to be the organisation all the other organisations look to to see best practice in action!!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

March Violets at the O2, Islington

My first gig as Stella. Picked out a black floaty skirt I had bought off ebay for the occasion and a black lace top i bought a couple of years ago that originally looked horrible on me and i never thought in a million years I'd be wearing it out. so glad I didn;t throw it out. Was concerned that the fishnet tights were too much - ditto the fake pearls, but i think it was all OK and worked. 

Stella finds her gothic inner self
My hair was not the best..  really needed a bit of care and attention and some thickener spray to get that Siouxsie Sioux look. Make up was all purples and reds and seemed to work quite well too. The boots were my new for work boots as I couldn't work out a way of changing into the high heeled boots without having to carry the other boots with me all evening. 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

old photos part 2

I took these in 2007 (I think) - wearing my wife's jacket and skirt. These pics are heavily processed to make myself look less male. Look at my frigging eyebrows!!!!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

bar wotever

I wasn't sure what I wanted to do this evening. I had a trans meet up and I had bar wotever. I really fancied bar wotever, so it won out. Hate having to make choices like that. Decided to wear my new mini skirt, made out of two materials, fake leather one side, jersey the other. I also wore new tights that were supposed to make legs and bum more shapely,  with a floral pattern, and my new Evans ankle boots. 

just before i left work

It was band night at bar wotever... three bands and a i stayed for two. One of them - a 2 piece fronted by a red haired young woman, with another young woman on the drums. Enjoyed them very much. Called Arx. Hope I see them again! 

Then home...  Very much enjoyed showing my legs off... will be doing it more often. 

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Old Pictures

In a continuing series I'm going to post up some of my old pictures. These were taken in about 2006. The top, which I still have but never wear, was from Asda. I liked the puffed sleeves. This was before I went completely grey and therefore I was not dying my hair, so its quite a bit lighter than now. I was beginning to experiment with make up. Think I had some foundation, & lippy from the pound shop and handed down eye shadow. As you can see, I still had a long way to go!! This pic is undoubtedly processed in some way as I did that to all my pics back in those days.. not so much now. 

Stevie in 2006
This (below) was me wearing an off the shoulder top, a gorgeous green gyspy skirt and my wife's coat and scarf. Look at those eyebrows :-( I actually went out either just before or just after taking this pic... for a little midnight walk around the neighbourhood. 

This was a green velveteen dress with a denim jacket. I thought I looked like Julie Burchill

Thursday, November 14, 2013

What would You Like Ladies?

Drinks after work yesterday and I was sat at the table with all the women yesterday - funny how the genders separate out at these things. The feeling that I really ought to join the male table was there... but I really didn't want to and kept telling myself I didn't need. Nor did it seem that anyone required me to. So I stayed and joined in the convo. 
Hopefully I didn't make an idiot of myself too much, and left before i got more than slightly tipsy. Two people out of four sitting at that table know i am trans which helped. And when the bar staff came to serve us and sort out our orders we all got called "ladies". Now this has happened to me in the past.. I have quite often through my life been mistaken for female - at work and especially when i was going through my adolescence. It used to really bother me but now it makes me absurdly happy. Of course!
In the past when this situation happened the person who was addressing us would notice (the beard often gave it away) and make effusive apologies at me. This time, and both times, I don;t think they even realised.. i was going to say their error.. but it isn't their error.. I just think they saw through to the real me, which is rapidly coming to the fore!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Trans in the media

This appeared in the Daily Mirror...  its overall quite positive and yet still portrays gender reassignment as a novelty, or something so weird its worthy of a major news story. I don;t understand what the big deal is about Samantha here...  answers in a postcard please.

Also the idea that being blokey is somehow macho..  if that is the case then I was macho to. Its a defense mechanism, but macho to me is body building or throwing your weight around as an alpha male... it doesn't look like he did that. Anyway, she looks much better now than she used to. 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

LGBT Meet Up

Went to a new LGBT meet up in Woolwich tonight. I was the only trans person there, of course, but I was made to feel very welcome. I turned up a bit late so wasn;t there long, but that was fine - I'll go earlier next time. 
What was a big deal for me was going dressed to Woolwich, walking through woolwich and then getting a bus home. The organiser stood with me while I waited for the bus, which was lovely of her, and I very much appreciate it.
The same meeting is going to happen next month and it would be lovely if some T-girls could come along as well as me 


Had a funny (amusing) event happen to me this morning. I left home today in a purple top and jeans, trainers, and no make up at all, hadn't shaved. On my way to Welling station I walked amongst a large group of what some people would describe as "chavs" - they looked about 14, were pushing several prams and all smoking like chimneys. They were taking up the whole pavement between them, ambling along, so I had to walk through the middle of them and narrowly avoiding the one who was riding his bike. then I turned left and left them behind. 
Instantly I heard behind me - one of them shouting at the top of his voice, 


It took me a second to twig they meant me.. and once I'd absorbed that fact I smiled. I took it as positive, firstly, they hadn't tried to attack me, or even said anything rude about me. They merely pointed out in their own simple way what was clearly true. 
So the upshot was that I was pleased that even on a day when I had made no effort, was wearing jeans, hadn't shave, my innate femininity was still clearly obvious to a bunch of pram pushing chain smoking chavs in Welling

Monday, November 11, 2013

my wardrobe

I think this illustrates the progress I have made this year. When i started buying female clothes about 15 years ago I had, maybe one dress and a couple of skirts. Gradually over time I expanded that out to enough clothes to fill a suitcase. A lot of it was hand me downs from women i knew - espeically my wife - but I did have a few new items too. My wife took me shopping in Long Tall Sally once where I bought a long santiny skirt; I also had a few skirts and tops, and a shift dress with jacket that I bought through the Littlewoods Catalogue. I even ventrued into the West End and bought some skirts from a hippy shop I knew... no longer there! All these clothes live on in my photograph album... and I will be posting pics up here from time to time, just to illustrate how far I've come. 

It was only in 2008 that I started buying clothes more systematically, mainly through ebay, but also from supermarkets - buying online and collecting in shop. This time I started buying whole outfits and trying to make myself look as much like  woman as possible. Of course I went through a few wobbles along the way. I even picked up on the whole feminised man thing a while back thinking that might be enough for me but it wasn't. Since the start of this year I had so many clothes they wouldn;t fit in my wardrobe, even when i took the men's clothes out. So a move to a bigger room, and this huge double wardrobe was fortuitous. In order to simplify things further I decided to throw out most of my men's clothes. Little of it was of use as it was old, worn out and two sizes too big! 

This year as I have been buying clothes of smaller sizes to keep up with my weight loss I have replaced male items with female items.. a lot of jeans, boot cut, skinny, jeggings, leggings, a few skirts and a whole pile of dresses!  I now only wear women's clothes... but do have a tee shirt stashed at work in case i need a safety net - and one pair of men's trousers in my wardrobe :-p So far just haven't needed them, nor is it ever looking likely that i will...

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Are most male to female transsexual women exclusively attracted to men?

According to the most recent study conducted in the U.K. with a sample size of about 800, the percentage of heterosexual transsexual females is approx 33%. Many of these Trans-women identified as homosexual males prior to transition. Another 1/3 identify as bisexual, and the remaining 1/3 identify as lesbian or asexual. 

Prior to Transition, since they are functioning in a male role, a large number of Transsexual females attempt to have relationships with women (some very satisfying.) These appear to be typical heterosexual relationships. Once a Transwoman accepts her condition and begins to live her life as a female, things can get very confusing, especially if she had difficulty with the aforementioned heterosexual relationships. Things can get even more confusing if she is attractive and starts to receive attention from men. It's not unheard of for Transsexual women to find their sexuality seems to change in the course of Transition. What is actually happening is that the her true sexuality, which was repressed as part of her attempt to function in the male role, begins to emerge. Once she is free to live as a female, so too her sexuality is freed, and she can entertain relationships with males and not feel as though it is a homosexual relationship. 

So to the outside observer, the Trans-woman's sexuality seemed to change, when in fact it simply came into alignment along with the body/mind congruence. Of course, not all Transwomen experience this. Some continue to pursue relationships with both genders, while others are never attracted to men and identify as lesbian after they Transition - all the more proof that gender and sexuality exist independently of each other. 

It amazes me how such a simple concept is lost on so many people (Heather for example.)

My sexuality appears to be on the move...  time will tell, but since opening myself up to being female I find women a lot less attractive than I did (sexually) and have become open to havign relationships with men... if the right one ever comes along that is...

David Lynch sells a dress on ebay

I'm not sure if this is art or someone genuinely trying to sell their dress....

Thursday, November 07, 2013

Drab drinks

 I went to the DRAB drinks tonight. It's in a pub by Waterloo Station. It sounds like an odd concept, a load of blokes who fit somewhere on the trans spectrum - crossdressers, trans-women...  etc...   all meeting in male garb (DRAB stands for dressed as a boy, and DRAG is... well, the g means girl, work it out :-p). Seems strange, but it works. I found it to be enormously helpful in normalising what i do.

We talk about all sorts, but of course dresses and make up feature quite highly in the list of topics. Anyway, i broke the rules by going dressed as a girl, but there's always been at least one in attendance in DRAG. This month is was me. The pic below is me from a week ago... but tonight i wore the same dress - and coat, in pic below that.
This is the coat I wore out to Bar wotever last week and got pulled aside by a young woman who told me I looked spectacular :-)

Monday, November 04, 2013

Now My Dad Knows

Speaking to my Mum on the phone today, and she put my dad on for a bit and we talked about the stuff we always talk about, Plymouth Argyle, my work....  then my Mum came back. Just as she was about to hang up she said, "I told Dad, he's alright about it". and with those words a slow realisation began to hit me, like a slowly materialising sledgehammer to the brain, that I was finally out. Completely out. There was nowhere else to go now.. Only the opportunity to be myself as much as possible.

Don't know if I will ever discuss this with my Dad... Maybe leave sleeping dogs lie.. but one day, hopefully soon, he will get the chance to meet me as Stella, and I hope he accepts that as well as it seems he has my transgenderism.

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Pheonix Support Group

I'm so happy that someone has taken the time to set up a support group in north Kent. Its the land that time forgot. Attitudes to anything slightly away from the statistical norm are so bizarre. The people round here are like cave men!  Ug!!  A man dressed as a woman...  kill her/him/ it !!!  

Anyway, having copped out of going last month I felt doubly keen to go this month. Initially I decided I'd wear trousers. the option of going in andro mode and changing at the meeting was something i never considered, after all, how many women behave like that? I like to wear a skirt when I'm going out, so it was never in question what I wanted to wear, and what was appropriate to wear. And finally, I came to my senses and put on the clothes that I knew I needed to wear. See photos below. 

I got a lift from my extremely supportive landlord/ flatmate down to the industrial estate near Dartford. So glad I didn't try to find it by myself. Had to phone the organiser and she came down to meet me, in a bright red dress like a beacon, so I couldn't miss her.

The meeting was nice and relaxed. I met some new girls.. mostly out for first time - or at least in early days. And I realise how far I've come. I actually pass a lot of the time.. something I never dreamed would happen. But I increasingly feel motivated to put somehting back, having had so much support from various people along the way, both trans and cis.

Coming home, I was nervous. After all, this is Kent and I have Dartford down as a serious no go area!! However, the journey home was one of the least eventful I have ever experienced. Sat in a shelter on the station cos it was raining and while i sat there with my legs crossed, tweeting three blokes came and stood with me and one talked to me (eek!!) but showed no sign of reading me (though I'm sure he did).

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

bar wotever.. long black coat

Another trip to Bar wotever now.. starting to feel I'm part of it all now. I am being noticed - i can see people looking at me and it's not feeling so weird now, I'm a lot less self conscious and making more of an effort to look like someone worth looking at too. Tonight I wore my long asymetrical grey skirt which is so flattering its not true, and makes me walk the way women should! I teamed it with high heeled court shoes and a simple black tee shirt top, and my long black gothy coat. It was all worth it when a young woman came up to me, demanded a twirl and told me I looked spectacular. 

Also, upon leaving work, I bumped into one  of our female managers in TfL. Because we often worked late in the same office she was aware of my "feminine" side, so when I came out she wasn't too surprised. She was standing on the platform at St James' Park and I said hello. We chatted on the way to Victoria... felt so normal! 

On the negative side, there was a door charge which i wasn;t expecting so I had only a few quid left for one drink.. but that's probably positive.. i should drink less. Also it was extremely crowded in there tonight and i ended up standing at the end of the bar near the toilets, and once the acts had finished i made a move! 

one of tonight's acts - a dancer

Monday, October 28, 2013

Lou Reed

I origonally linked to a documentary about Lou, but that has now been removed, so here's the latest NME. Says it all really.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

The Magic Theatre

pics and website here >>

I'm crap at costumes... but i decided to try to enter into the spirit as much as I could. I had this spooky looking top with batwing sleeves, so teamed it with a lacey skirt and a long black coat and went to the ball. 

I still think my make up might be too subtle for anything but daytime.. I really should have ramped it up a bit.. Never mind. There's next time. also will try to get myself a proper dress to wear too!!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Look I'm Looking For: clue

my gyspy look

I've always thought the gypsy look suited me - this is my latest attempt at achiving it.. and a couple of new items in my wardrobe, the green skirt and the shrug, helped me get there! 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Now I am Stella!!

Last weekend I travelled to my home town, and where my family mostly still live, in order that I break the news of my gender transitioning to my parents.

My sister came along for moral support. We were sitting at the table ready to break the news, I was prevaricating, obviously nervous, and my mum kept getting up to do stuff, like make tea. My sister threw me a couple of looks as if to say, what the hell is going on here!! So i bit the bullet, while my mum was in the kitchen i went out there and told her.

In the end my mother decided that it would be best if my Dad did not find out for now. She implied she would broach the subject herself at some point, but now I'm left with distinct impression that she is hoping he may never have to know. She herself is absolutely fine about it and I kind of wish I'd told her years ago.

I was warned off turning up at my sister's wedding next year as Stella. Sadly. It will turn, for me, what could have been a true celebration and a fun event into a rather trying episode that I'll just need to get through. Hopefully it'll be the last ever time I have to wear a man suit. I still have mine so as long as it fits me next September I'll be OK.

Of course I might make my excuses and not turn up.

Anyway - my mission to be out and proud as a trans-woman called Stella is almost complete. The three legs of trans sustainability have been completed... getting work support... getting support from friends and now getting support from family. the next step is actual transition. I feel I'm approaching this in exactly the right way though, having established myself so thoroughly as Stella, the arbitrary rule of insisting that transgendered people live for two years as their true gender but BEFORE they are allowed to have any treatment might not seem so harsh.

Monday, October 21, 2013


There seems to be an enormous disparity between the risks involved in getting crossing roads to get to a supermarket, and the fact that all the fucking food is shrink wrapped in various layers of plastic to prevent the extremely remote risk that someone might inject something nasty into them.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

I am a woman trapped in a man's body

I've tried to keep it a secret for some time now. not to everyone, but i have been guarded about who i tell. No more!!

I am now out. the process started a while ago - last summer probably - when i told my then girl friend prior to us hooking up - in fact it was the first thing i told her when we first physically met at a pub, over a drink. she was wonderful about it and that gave me more confidence.

Last summer i went out as a female on a couple of occasions and started integrating some female clothing and a more feminine hair-style into my normal daily look.

this year I threw away the bulk of my male clothing - as I had lost weight, none of it fitted me, and replaced them with women's clothes... bootcut jeans... fitted jackets and tops... cardigans... and a woman's military style jacket from F&F which i wear daily!

I told my boss back in February that I was seeking gender reassignment (and i hadn't even seen my doctor back then), worked out a schedule for telling my closest colleagues, told my friends, came out on Twitter and Facebook, and finally came out fully at work just last month.

Now its time to come out on blogger. I've had the odd idiot take the piss but nothing serious, and nothing that is going to stop me from fullfilling my dream, that of living as a woman full time for the rest of my life.

Anyway i  mention this now because I have had a blog for my female persona quite some time. and I have now begun the process of integrating both my blogs.

My female self, Stella, me now, started out in life, probably around 1999, with no name whatsoever, and was of very little substance, other than a few outfits and the odd midnight walk. I'd been cross-dressing as a young child, but the idea that there might be an actual female personality waiting to escape was not somehting i was even willing to consider until around 2007.

In 2006 I named her Stevie. Crap name I know, but it was obvious and easy. In 2008 I decided on Elizabeth, or Liz, but by the end of last year I knew that name was not for me. suddenly the reality of becoming female and having a female name focussed my mind. I consutled friends and Stella was born. The rest is history. My history. Her history.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

25 years long service

today on twitter

Woolwich foot tunnel a year after Greenwich council spent millions on a refurb

St James' Park today

One of the great things about working in central London is the chance to spend time in iconic locations such as St James' Park, with or without a camera. Today was with...

birds ligging around the park

yo, girl, you lookin' fine

ninja squirrel

perfect pose

News stories today:

A chronic shortage of social housing is making life hell for thousands of people with disabilities