Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Laughing Noam Tweeting policy

I've joked about having a twitter policy - so now's the time to take the joke to the next stage - actual policy in actual words. I may well be only half joking though:

tweeting policy

1. I follow back except the special categories detailed below:
exceptions include bots, spammers, marketing tweeters, jesus tweeters, Lib dems, Tories, extremely boring tweeters, libertarians, people who tweet about cupcakes, amusing satirical or kooky feline tweeters...

2. I do not engage in hostile disussion (or arguments), i have enough of that on the Guardian's CiF. Twitter is for friendly and civilised discussion and that doesn't mean complete agreement either. Disagreement is fine. But uncivilised isn't.

3. A person who is in breach of 2. either for trolling, or for obviously aggressive disagreement, refusal to listen to a logical argument, setting up straw men or deliberate misinterpretation or cherry picking from my posts, arguing in league with a bunch of their "buddies", ad hominem attacks on me, anti-science, anti-logic, anti-reason, laughing at any of my Aspie traits, laughing at any of my non-aspie traits, taking the piss because of my age, etc will be given an intitial warning to back off, apologise, or conform to the rules of civilised discourse (as defined above). No second warning need be issued. Further non-conformance to the reasonable discourse or not responding within a reasonable time (defined by me) and a block will then be applied.

4. Every Tweeter may be given one chance to see reason or respond to logic before I can then resort to calling them names. Their failure to respond to reason can then be used as evidence when calling them an idiot, moron, fuckspud, etc.

5. people who refuse to respond through 2. and 3. may be liable to spamming depending on how drunk i am at the time.

6. People taking issue with my Tweet content can be offered the chance to unfollow. If they don't even follow me then they will be told to FUCK OFF, and possibly blocked. Though they may well be encouraged to block me first though i will curse their name and spam them for it!!!!

7. Blocking: most offenders can be expected to be blocked for a month then unblocked. Though a repeat offense will result in a permanent block immediately. Jesus Tweeters may also be blocked indefinitely.
In certain cases particularly troublesome tweeters may be blocked for longer though their unblocking will be regularly reviewed.

8. Unfollowers will be sarcastically treated to a "bye bye" tweet possibly with "missing you already" added at the end. This is their final chance to refollow and I will follow back. If unfollower responds with strong protest then negotiations can be entered into. If protest consists of swear words and ad hominem attacks then unfollower may be blocked.

9. I endeavour to review my new followers at least once a week. Obvious Jesus Tweeters will be blocked immediately with no warning given. Any Tweeps not falling into the excepted categories detailed in clause 1) will be followed back.

10. I may action a validation request DM to prove I'm real, but don't rely on it!!!!!

11. I retweet stuff I find amusing, interesting, informative. Don't try to tell me what i can RT because i will block you!!

12. I mostly follow Tweeps likely to follow me back. If I follow you it's probably because you use one of my key words (to be listed later). Although it might be because you were #FFd by one of my follows.
If you don't follow me back I will unfollow you and put you on one of my lists (if you're lucky)!

13. I rarely #FF. It's too bothersome! However, I do RT a lot so Tweeps who want to can follow those I RT! I will tend to #FF those who I feel write better Tweets thans me and yet have fewer followers.

14. I swear a lot. It's not childish. It doesn't make me stupid or infantile, I am merely celebrating the English Language.

15. I will not RT sexist or racist jokes or anything anti disabled or anything that can be construed as against vulnerable people, or minorities; or anything that may be unfair, untrue or offensive to people who aren't the dipshits that I consider my enemies.

16. Do not expect me to ignore your bullshit or tweet bullshit just so I do not offend or annoy you. I do not sit back and tolerate bullshit!

17. On special occasions I will ceremonially release Tweeps from my blockage. If you are being unblocked, I will inform you of this fact and you will be given an opportunity to behave like a reasonable person and stay the fuck away from me. If you continue to bother me with your crap I will block you permanently! 

1 comment:

Anomalous Man said...

I must say that I violate or have violated many of these rules, yet you continue to dote upon me. I find this lack of consistency and blatant display of favouritism (or perhaps even nepotism, you never know) quite intriguing, and I wish it a long and prosperous life, as I do you.