Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I Dream of Zombies

Another dream about zombies last night - or this morning. I dreamt I was with S in our house and we were warned that zombies were attacking. Various people came in to the house, and my dream to make the outside events more real, describing their first hand experiences. We decided that staying indoors was the best approach, though it might leave us vulnerable. Then I decided I needed to go outside for something - and it was something mundane like groceries.

Outside - S came with me - there was surprisingly little going on. I did see someone getting bitten held against the wall by a zombie who was also featsing on his neck, blood spurting against the wall behind. I backed off and kept going.

We took things fairly leisurely considering - always aware that a zombie might arrive at any moment, we were ambling about in the open. found a little tucked away place with a bench and sat down, and this was a really stupid place to hang around in. I had my little Jack Russell with me who tried to wander off, but s grabbed him and pulled him back.

eventually it was my sister, Zombified, who attacked us. she came round the corner and was upon us, hunched over and terrifying, ready to pounce, though slow in the romero idiom. Quite right! I grabbed a poker that was just lying about as did S and we smashed her head in. Or at least I swung the poker at her head and woke up.

Later went back into dream and learned that zombies were being killed faster than they could infect the living. eventually it was safe again though I did see another one and had to rush to get back into my car before calling the police to deal with it.

Wow!! I love zombie dreams, buit this one was just a little too real for comfort, though with a happy ending which was nice.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Haunted House Dream

I always get these in times of heightened anxiety. I become scared of my surroundings; and in the dream this translates as a haunted house; the sublimation of all my waking fears distilled into an easyt o understand story book horror. When I was living alone in my and S's property - the one we own - the feelings from my haunted house dreams started to leach out into real life, and especially at night, I became afraid, literally, of the house I was living in; I began to no longer be able to distinguish dreams from real life, especially in the dead of night. Only a couple of quite bizarre events occured - the lightbulb turning on and off by itself one night freaked me out. This was a lightbulb on the ceiling of the top floor, near no known water sources, and on a dry evening. I had considered that a water leak either from a pipe from from a hole in the roof might be to blame. On another night S saw somehting peering in at us. she was reluctant to say much but was surprised I couldn't see it. And she did say "it" which I found particularly chilling.
After that fear set in and I couldn't wait to get away from that house and back to my real home. The decorating works I was engaged in not only took my mind off things but hastened the day I could move out and go back home full time again.

The people living in there now haven't reported any problems so I assume it was a figment of my own gradually disintegrating grip on reality.

The hous in my dream was where at first i lived alone. It was cottagey, detached, might have been a bungalow, in quite poor repair and looked, welll, just... wrong. I went through the front door reluctantly, and when nothing happened I was pleasantly surprised. I looked at the wallls expecting something to come out of them, but nothing happened. then I saw through some glass, S, with two kids who were my sons. I have no sons. they ran to greet me and I tossed one up into the air like dads do with their kids.

S looked blank though - her hatred of me was clear - and this has been a continuing theme in my dreams of recent weeks. in the past I've dreamt of her being really fucking angry with me, and being very loving. Now she's being indifferent, or absent, but the anger was there in this dream.

In subsequent scenes there was my mother in law artifically distressing my brand new table and being helped my my two - daughters - distressing? I'd say wrecking but then my M-in-law does so much prefer the countrified lived in look. so the boys had changed genders now, but there were still two of them. The house was a proper old cottage now and falling apart. I was renevating it. One whole wall had come down and there was scaffolding up instead. the drainage had reached crisis point and I discovered that two walls inside were being held up by the wallpaper alone. But the ghost was gone, to be replaced by family and the problems of house-owning.

so - I'm at a crossroads - it's confront my ghosts or knuckle down and get my family back.


Sunday, September 12, 2010

I think I might be going nuts. Every night now I dream about my estranged wife S, and usually wake up crying, sometimes screaming softly. Last night for example I dreamt I went to the area where my wife lives and tried to see her, or sense her presence in some way.
I was walking streets and seeing the familiar landscape – not at all like the actual part of London where she lives, in my dreams there were hills, rows and rows of terraced house, much like the part of Plymouth where I grew up in fact.
I found myself suddenly in a packed residents’ meeting in a small lecture theatre. A former neighbour recognised me and asked me what I was doing there. I decided to walk out and disturbed everyone on the back row trying to get out, and then down the steps. Outside I was in the grounds of S’s mansion block. I decided to walk past S’s flat. And then through the window I saw a large mirror, and in the mirror I saw my cat, lounging on some furniture, in the sun, all stretched out and happy. Then in a different mirror I was the back of a red-haired head, female, thought it was S, and then it wasn’t. I kept walking until I was walking away from the mansion block.
I kept walking, all day, into the evening. Everytime I felt I was catching up with S she seemed to slip away. Walking down a hill I saw a woman wearing a long black coat, in silhouette with a teenage child next to her. It was S and K. Only when I reached them they had gone separate ways and neither were who I thought they were.
A previous dream – about two weeks ago – S turned up in a white dress, like an angel – or maybe it was a gown. She seemed holy, touching me when i needed reassurance and giving me the look that expressed limitless love. Then I noticed she had a baby with her. It was silent and unmoving, though conscious and aware, when I saw it’s face. Then we parted ways. It was lovely. I was bathed in love. Then I woke up crying.

Later that day S told me someone in the family had had a miscarriage. What I saw in my dream was S dressed as death, carrying the dead baby to it’s afterlife. Spooky!!

Friday, September 10, 2010

That was a bad week for me. First the strike on Monday when I was being strongly pushed towards working in a station as strike cover on Monday evening. Three reasons I didn;t want to do this: 1. it's strike-breaking 2. most stations where i could work are the wrong side of the Thames or further into central London than my normal work station, and not somewhere I'd want to be trying to get home from after 10.00 at night; and 3.I needed time to prepare for giving advice to a works manager on how to achieve best practise on noise control, so as to avoid receiving complaints from our neighbours.
Anyway - managed to wriggle out of doing it on Monday but nearly scuppered myself for starting nights as I ended up having to work late on Monday anyway as I went in late expecting to be doing station cover. I should have said no last Friday and stuck to it!

Did the night - in the Kilburn area - and all went very well. The manager there seems very receptive to the ideas I gave him, but feels unsupported. I said I'd see if I could change that.

Then very groggy on Wednesday but managed to get to north east London for another night this time inspecting storage and waste facilities at two depots in the area and then working in the office until first train at 05:15. Nearly falling asleep on train, with only Phil Jupitus podcast keeping me awake at all, and then slept most of the day at home before going back to work on Friday.

Needless to say my temper and ability to function normally was severely frayed, if not, shattered completely. Had a very bad experience travelling home from work on friday evening and still feel a sense of hightened stress and very very tired.

Will go to bed early on Sunday evening and hope for the best on Monday.