Sunday, September 12, 2010

I think I might be going nuts. Every night now I dream about my estranged wife S, and usually wake up crying, sometimes screaming softly. Last night for example I dreamt I went to the area where my wife lives and tried to see her, or sense her presence in some way.
I was walking streets and seeing the familiar landscape – not at all like the actual part of London where she lives, in my dreams there were hills, rows and rows of terraced house, much like the part of Plymouth where I grew up in fact.
I found myself suddenly in a packed residents’ meeting in a small lecture theatre. A former neighbour recognised me and asked me what I was doing there. I decided to walk out and disturbed everyone on the back row trying to get out, and then down the steps. Outside I was in the grounds of S’s mansion block. I decided to walk past S’s flat. And then through the window I saw a large mirror, and in the mirror I saw my cat, lounging on some furniture, in the sun, all stretched out and happy. Then in a different mirror I was the back of a red-haired head, female, thought it was S, and then it wasn’t. I kept walking until I was walking away from the mansion block.
I kept walking, all day, into the evening. Everytime I felt I was catching up with S she seemed to slip away. Walking down a hill I saw a woman wearing a long black coat, in silhouette with a teenage child next to her. It was S and K. Only when I reached them they had gone separate ways and neither were who I thought they were.
A previous dream – about two weeks ago – S turned up in a white dress, like an angel – or maybe it was a gown. She seemed holy, touching me when i needed reassurance and giving me the look that expressed limitless love. Then I noticed she had a baby with her. It was silent and unmoving, though conscious and aware, when I saw it’s face. Then we parted ways. It was lovely. I was bathed in love. Then I woke up crying.

Later that day S told me someone in the family had had a miscarriage. What I saw in my dream was S dressed as death, carrying the dead baby to it’s afterlife. Spooky!!

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